If you've ever worked at a large corp. you usually get a yearly salary increase. But this salary increase is usually tied to a dreaded, stupid, obsolete review system. Almost every corp. has one. You usually start every year writing about what your "goals" are for this year and how you'll work to ... insert whatever fucking bullshit buzzwords are in this year. Every year it the same shit just worded differently. It's complete bullshit and anyone that's worked at a corp. for a few years, just plain fucking lies on this whole thing.

These reviews are made up of not only your goals, but at the end of the year, you choose a few co-workers to write on your behalf. And supposedly your immediate manager as well. They also lie their asses off on their parts. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads these things.

Depending on these reviews, some anonymous committee of "higher ups" supposedly gather is dark chamber and go over each one and argues over the merit of each employee. I think they just get drunk at some bar and throw darts at a list of employee to decide who gets a bigger salary bump.

I decided to have some fun this year. For the three reviews I had to write. I literally wrote the same thing. Copy pasted across all these but changed the names the he/she, him/her, etc.

If I really had it my way, I would just tell the truth. But here's what I think most people would write on their review of other "co-workers," if they could.

Female co-worker: She's hot. But I'm not sure if she's hot because she's the only remaining female co-worker that's not over the age of 50 and isn't socially crippled. She's not even that good at programming. Honestly, she could probably sit in the corner and just cheer the rest of the team on and there would probably be a net positive in the quality of our work.

Male co-worker 1: Why is he not fired yet? Seriously. I don't think I've ever seen him do any real work. Every time I look at his screen, it's the same fucking code. Nothing has changed. I asked him to change the title. I'm not even sure if he's looking in the right file.

Male co-worker 2: He's actually pretty fucking good. Holy fucking shit, he actually knows how to code and knows how to follow standards. And I didn't even have to fucking explain them to him! I want him on all my projects going forward!

Male co-worker 3: He's cool. I haven't gotten mad at him yet.

Male co-worker 4: Eh.

Male co-worker 5: Intern.

Male co-worker 6: He's so fucking old I'm surprised he shows up for work. All he does is delegate his own work to everyone else. I'm sure all he does is surf Fox News all day.

Male co-worker 7: He asks me the most stupid questions I have ever heard. Are you sure he has a degree in this field? I can't stand it anymore. I might actually punch him soon.

Male co-worker 8: I've never seen this guy work here before. I know he's on my team but he never comes to any meetings and I never see him in his office. Don't get me wrong. He turns in good work. I've just never actually seen this guy. It's like he a fucking coding ghost.

 

The sad part is... I probably fall into one of those categories. I'm just not sure which one yet. Here's hoping I'm the guy everyone wants on their team.